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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28752621">ARMS TONITE | phan</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckylester/pseuds/luckylester'>luckylester</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Angst, Blood, Blood and Gore, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell Is A Little Shit, Dan Howell Is Not A YouTuber, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Fluff, Depressed Dan Howell, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Drinking, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Phil Lester, Hurt Dan Howell, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Knife Use, M/M, No Smut, Sad Dan Howell, Sad Phil Lester, Serial Killer Dan Howell, Serial Killers, Smoking, read trigger warnings!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:59:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,212</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28752621</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckylester/pseuds/luckylester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>i am a match and you light me on fire.</p><p>arms tonite | © abby 2020</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell &amp; Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i'll fake god</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>PLAYLIST.</p><p>intro.<br/>arms tonite ; mother mother</p><p>a side.<br/>oh ana ; mother mother<br/>drugs ; falling in reverse<br/>marlboro nights ; lonely god<br/>role model ; daysormay, tessa violet<br/>maniac ; conan gray</p><p>b side.<br/>wish you were sober ; conan gray<br/>goodie bag ; still woozy<br/>lone star ; the front bottom<br/>painkiller ; beach bunny<br/>breezeblocks ; alt-J</p><p>( link to spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3jViTIjFFyUZxt6e8LdNce?si=3PIFS7X5TqWM-DDJwdQNZw )</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>TW:</b> KNIFE USE</p><p><b>A SILENT FOG SETTLES</b> over london's dark sky, shielding the light of the moon. street lights cast shades of honey and turquoise across the empty road. occasionally, the gravel cracks quietly under his feet. only under the warm yellow do his features appear.</p><p>a light drizzle falls over his dark hair, causing round curls to appear. he digs through his pocket, reaching for his last cigarette, and upon finding none, he lets out a heavy sigh.</p><p>the soft glow of fluorescent blue and the gentle hum of slurpee machines allows dan to find his way into a gas station. the cashier glances over at him, wrinkling her nose at the scent clinging to his skin. he brushes past a man nearly as tall as he is.</p><p>"hey dude, can you buy me a pack?" dan asks to the raven-haired male that stands in the sweets aisle.</p><p>he furrows his eyebrows. "fuck no, buy it yourself," he scoffs. his nostrils flair at the smell of cheap alcohol wafting off of the dan's breath. dan reaches into his pocket, pulling out an object that shines like diamonds underneath the fluorescents. the other male swallows hard, "sure, whatever." his voice cracks slightly.</p><p>dan follows him to the counter. he doesn't care what brand, just something that will cure his withdrawal. he watches the other male carefully, noting his pale features and bright blue irises.</p><p>"two marloboro reds please," the other male orders politely, staring at the cashier. she looks at the both of them and sighs quietly. she slaps them on the counter.</p><p>they stand under a street lamp. dan continually glances over at the older male, a smile tracing his lips. they share a lighter. clouds of smoke fly into the sky and disappear into the foggy night. dan feels his irritability melt away with every hit.</p><p>the other boy looks over at him. their eyes meet for a second before they quickly turn away in unison. dan's face burns.</p><p>"so, do you do this often?" the older male asks, bringing his cigarette to his mouth.</p><p>dan removes his from clamped tightly between his teeth. "do what?" he asks.</p><p>the other male rolls his eyes. he clicks his tongue. "you know, pull a knife on people to fuel your addiction," he clarifies, stepping a few feet away from dan.</p><p>"only for you princess," the brunette teases, flashing the older male a grin and a wink. he quickly fills the space between them. "what's your name?"</p><p>he debates telling the younger boy. he hums slightly in thought. "phil, i'm twenty-two," he introduces quickly, rushing through his words.</p><p>"i'm dan, nineteen, can i move in with you?" he doesn't hesitate to ask.</p><p>phil's eyes widen. "sure, why not," he sighs heavily, afraid that he's going to die if he says no.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. i don’t like anyone around</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>"NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE</b>
  <span>," dan remarks, looking around at the almost empty apartment. he doesn't think it's all that nice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil let's put a little sigh. "thanks," he mumbles in response. he walks towards a room with the door slammed shut. his fingers linger on the doorknob. "this is your room."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"thanks," dan repeats in the same tone phil did, a smile crawling onto his lips. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil ignores him. "my brother lives here too. do not kill him," he orders, sending a glare towards the younger male. dan salutes him. "what do you actually do for a living?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"i'm a hitman," dan says nonchalantly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil slams his forehead into his palm. "jesus fucking christ, okay," he grumbles, his stomach dropping.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the front door swings open. martyn shuffles in with groceries. "another one, phil?" he questions, rolling his eyes at his brother, "that's the third one this week."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan widens his eyes. "wait, it's only tues-" phil runs over to the younger boy and slaps his hand over his mouth. the brunette giggles against phils' fingers, and when he pulls away, his face is bright red. "okay daddy."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"you're an actual child," phil growls, plopping down on the gray couch resting in the center of the living room. he looks around for martyn, who hums softly to himself in the kitchen. he's making a cup of tea. "you're not a hitman anymore, you're an artist. got it?" phil hisses. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"a nude artist?" dan raises his eyebrows as he speaks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"sure, fine, whatever you want," phil exhales heavily. dan is looking up at him with wide, honey-brown eyes. "just don't tell martyn." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan nods his head in understanding, yet he was smiling widely. "i won't," he promises.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil scoffs. he makes his way into the bedroom, shaking his whole apartment by slamming the door shut.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>god, dan is so </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking annoying</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. only empty calories</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>"GOOD MORNING!" DAN CHIRPS</b>
  <span> the second phil appears from his bedroom. it's 11:32 am.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil is sluggish. he was up well past three writing shitty poetry. "what happened to that serial killer attitude you had last night?" he growls. it almost surprises him when he sees dan. he forgot all about him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan chews away on his bottom lip as he works on a painting. his arms are dotted with hues of purple and blue with moles spaced between. he has a line of white paint resting on his cheek, where freckles fall ever so slightly. curls hang over his forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil is staring. he glances away quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>martyn plops down across from dan and begins to eye the brunette cautiously. he looks back at phil, "he's still here?" he jabs his thumb in the direction of dan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"yes, he's still here," phil mutters. he takes a sip of his coffee and leans his elbows against the countertop, his hips facing forward.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>martyn chuckles, "you must really like him." he raises his eyebrows at phil, who simply clicks his tongue in response.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan is studying the older male intently. his eyes trail up and down his body. phil's face warms up, "what the hell are you doing?" he snaps, standing up quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"i'm painting you!" dan answers excitedly. he stands up to grab a spoon from the cupboard, his shirt lifting ever so slightly to expose a bit of his skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil blushes and looks away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he sighs heavily and drags his hand down his face. "okay, well, stop," phil demands. dan is getting on his nerves and martin encouraging him is making his blood boil. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"let me see," martyn yanks the canvas from underneath dan's hands. laughter bubbles out of his mouth. "you're naked!" he thrusts the painting in the direction of his brother. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"oh my fuck," phil roars in response, rubbing the space between his eyebrows. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"is it accurate?" the brunette asks innocently, yet the corners of his mouth are turned upwards into a smirk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>martyn is still giggling. "what, you didn't see it last night?" he teases and dan shakes his head in response. martyn's jaw drops open. "well, i have. it's much smaller than that." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil's face suddenly feels warm. his eyes dart to the floor. "no, it's not." he isn't lying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan's eyes widen. he's smiling widely and phil can't</span>
</p><p>
  <span>help but think that the single dimple on one of his cheeks is cute. "so it's bigger," he assumes. martyn is shaking his head. phil remains silent, his gaze darting from dan to martyn through his narrowed eyes. "oh shit it is!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil curses dan under his breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil lays in bed, trying to fall back asleep, but the thought of dan lifting up to grab a </span>
  <em>
    <span>god damn spoon </span>
  </em>
  <span>won't leave his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"what's wrong with him? why is he always so grumpy?" he hears dan ask innocently through the thin walls of his apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>martyn clears his throat. "he was with his ex, pj, for </span>
  <span>almost five years. they bro-"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil places a pillow over his ears to block out the sound and dozes off.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. a stalker, a watcher, a psychopath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>DAN KNOCKS— CORRECTION, BANGS</b> on phil's door around one am. "hold on," phil calls, struggling to pull his boxers up over his long legs.</p><p>dan doesn't, he simply barges in, watching as phil falls out of his bed, attempting to throw on his sweatpants.</p><p>he stands up and his eyes widen as he sees dan. he throws his arms around his bare torso. he is <em>so fucking pale</em>. "i fucking told you to hold on," he sneers. his cheeks are bright red. how long has dan been standing there for?</p><p>"what were you doing?" dan asks. <em>fuck.</em></p><p>"well, how long have you been standing there for?" phil questions. he scratches his shoulder.</p><p>dan is staring at phil's exposed chest. "only a couple minutes," he responds. his eyes won't leave the other male's body.</p><p>phil pulls his pants up. "what the fuck do you want?"</p><p>the brunette suddenly grows serious. his eyebrows draw into a straight line. "i need to hide a body," he says nonchalantly.</p><p>"fuck, dan," phil whispers in response.</p><p>dan smiles. "i would kill to hear you say that again." he winks, horribly. it causes phil's stomach to churn.</p><p>the older male reaches for his hoodie on the ground. he makes eye contact with dan as he stands up, "not funny."</p><p>"hey, wait, no i mean it-" dan calls as phil steps out of his room.</p><p>there's a black trash bag sitting in the middle of <em>his </em>living room and it reeks. "what the fuck is <em>that</em>." phil's finger lingers in the air.</p><p>the brunette's head appears beside phil's, and the feeling of dan's breath against his neck is driving him fucking <em>insane</em>. "my body!" dan explains, almost excitedly. he darts forward and throws it over his shoulder as if it weighs nothing.</p><p>"holy shit," phil grumbles. he's exhausted. he just wanted to jerk off and go to sleep, but apparently, that's impossible. he groans loudly. "come with me."<br/>he motions with his hand.</p><p>"i would like to hear that again too," dan doesn't miss a beat after the irritated noise leaves phil's lips.</p><p>the older male is blushing. "shut up, howell."</p><p>they make their way down the stairs of the flat. phil opens the door to a janitor's closet and thrusts his fingers into the darkness.</p><p>"this doesn't seem too discrete," dan mumbles, yet he throws his bag of dismembered body parts in anyway. it makes a soft <em>plop </em>as it lands on the fake wood.</p><p>"it is, trust me. i'm like, ninety-five percent sure that the janitor killed my neighbor, so the police won't find you. also, no cameras because this place is like, one hundred years old," phil reassures him, a smile cracking through his usually stone features. dan grins back at him, and phil's face quickly falls. "don't do that."</p><p>"what, now i'm not allowed to smile?" dan cries in response, thrusting his shoulders backward and throwing his hands forward. phil can see a bit of his stomach.</p><p>phil shakes his head. "it's annoying when you do."</p><p>the image of dan's pelvic bones keeps replaying in phil's mind as they walk up the stairs together in silence.</p><p>they murmur a quick, polite <em>goodnight </em>to each other before disappearing into separate rooms.</p><p>for whatever reason, phil can't sleep. he writes without any struggle.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. i’ve only seen one side of you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" DAN</b>
  <span> asks, yet again barging into phil's room without saying a word. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil's chair swivels around. he glares at the younger boy and removes a pen from his mouth. "you're short," he points out, noticing how far away dan's curls are from the top of the doorway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan adjusts his posture instinctively. "i'm still growing," he says firmly. phil clicks his tongue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"i've never seen a short serial killer before," phil remarks, the corners of his lips twisting upwards. he sticks the pen between his teeth and twists it slowly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan is mesmerized by the older male. he inhales shakily and takes a step towards phil. "i could kill you, you know," dan reminds him in a husky voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"hm," phil sneers, "how </span>
  <em>
    <span>predictable</span>
  </em>
  <span>." he turns away from dan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the brunette almost allows his knife to slide from underneath his jacket sleeve and into his hand, but something stops him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"what are you doing," the younger boy tries again. phil's chair squeaks as he moves it around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it's a one-word response: "working." phil pulls the pen from his mouth and dan is staring. his gaze is met with a quick, angry stare from phil. "stop that," he hisses. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan swallows hard. phil knows </span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly</span>
  </em>
  <span> what he's doing. "okay, whatever. i'm going out," dan scoffs, earning no reaction from phil, "text if you need anything."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the older male chuckles softly. "i </span>
  <em>
    <span>won't</span>
  </em>
  <span>," he promises. he's looking intently at the empty sheet of paper before him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan hums disappointedly in response. the front door slams behind him on the way out.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil struggles to open the sliding glass door leading to the balcony. a cigarette hangs between his lips. he just wants to </span>
  <em>
    <span>smoke</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it's fucking freezing outside. he cups the lighter between his hands and inhales sharply. his whole body fills up with warmth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>clouds of smoke blend in with the crying sky. soon enough, phil is lighting another one. he can't stop thinking about dan's mocha-colored eyes flickering around his body. it leaves him with a hot feeling in his stomach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he wipes the ashes off of the railing, sending them down all fourteen floors of his flat. he lights another.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. becoming the villian</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>"STOP SMOKING ON THE BALCONY," MARTYN </b>orders when he comes home from work. he stands over phil, who is coughing because of his cigarettes. he's on his second pack, the other carton lays empty on the floor and the flaps rustle in the wind.</p><p>the younger bother simply shrugs. "why should i?" he snaps in response. he breathes a thick, grey cloud of ash into martyn's face, just to spite him.</p><p>"you stink and you're killing yourself," martyn growls. he pulls a plastic lawn chair next to his brother. phil offers him a hit and he accepts.</p><p>phil jabs his elbow into martyn's chest. "<em>hypocrite,</em>"he jokes.</p><p>martyn shakes his head, laughing slightly. "yeah yeah, whatever," he swats his hand at phil, "rent is due tomorrow."</p><p>phil's eyes widen.</p><p>"you're broke," martyn reads phil's expression immediately, "i swear to god i'm going to kick you out one day. you need to get an <em>actual fucking job.</em>"</p><p>phil scoffs. "writing is an <em>actual fucking job</em>," phil sneers, standing up out of his chair. he kicks the empty pack through the wired railing of the balcony before storming inside.</p><p>"littering is illegal!" martin calls just as his younger brother slams the sliding door behind him.</p><p>phil is scrolling through instagram when dan finally barges through the door. he's struggling to carry a flatscreen television in his short arms. "the <em>fuck </em>is that," phil asks with a cocked eyebrow. dan's face peaks up behind the cardboard.</p><p>"a result of a successful night," he sets it down next to the empty fireplace.</p><p>dan is grinning widely at phil. "stop that and come here," phil orders. he wipes a splash of red off of dan's forehead, the very motion causing the brunette's face to heat up. phil's hands are <em>so warm.</em></p><p>"will you help me set it up?" dan asks, already tearing through the box with blood-coated fingers.</p><p>phil inhales sharply. "that is the most <em>domestic </em>thing i've ever heard you say," he pauses to glare at dan, "do it yourself. you bought it with dirty money."</p><p>dan chuckles softly, "at least i have an<em> actual fucking job,</em>" he points out innocently.</p><p>"shut the fuck up," phil snarls. he purposefully bumps his shoulder into dan's back as he storms away. "writing is an<em> actual fucking job</em>!" he calls again from his bed.</p><p>"whatever you say," dan shouts back.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. wish you were sober</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>TW: ALCOHOL</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>PHIL HAS HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK.</b>
  <span> he's left sputtering and stumbling after devouring half a bottle of red wine, a merlot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he knocks on the open door of dan's room, nearly doubling over as he struggles to balance himself on the doorknob. "hi dan," he drags out his vowels.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the younger boy's curls fall elegantly over the sides of his face. his black sweater falls over his jutted shoulder and it exposes his collarbones. phil is watching intently. "stop that," dan teases, mocking the older boy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"whatcha doing," phil slurs as he speaks. he walks over to dan and looks over his shoulder. phil places his hands on dan's arms in order to steady himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan is shocked by the sudden touch. phil is equally careful with his words as he is with his hands. "painting," he mumbles, yet he's staring at a list of names in front of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"i'm so </span>
  <em>
    <span>bored</span>
  </em>
  <span>," phil sighs dramatically. he smells like cigarettes and cheap alcohol. he drops his head onto dan's shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the younger male stares up at him with his deep, mocha-colored irises. phil nearly melts at the eye contact. "hm, tough," dan pretends to be uninterested and quickly looks away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"let's do something </span>
  <em>
    <span>fun</span>
  </em>
  <span>," the older male says, nudging his elbow into dan's ribs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan stirs. "like what?" he asks. he's chewing on his bottom lip nervously until blood floods into his mouth. it stains his tongue. his face feels like it's on fire, phil has </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> been this close to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil hums to himself as he thinks. "i don't know," he responds sarcastically. his face is suddenly incredibly close to dan's. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"i've never </span>
  <em>
    <span>kissed</span>
  </em>
  <span> a boy before-" dan whispers. he tries to swallow the bile that is crawling up his throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"well, maybe you can </span>
  <em>
    <span>kiss</span>
  </em>
  <span> me and i can tell you if you're good at it or not..." the raven-haired boy trails off. their lips are so </span>
  <em>
    <span>dangerously</span>
  </em>
  <span> close together. dan feels like he's going to gag. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan shakes his head. he quickly turns away. "you're </span>
  <em>
    <span>drunk</span>
  </em>
  <span>," he manages to spit out quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly</span>
  </em>
  <span>," phil's voice is husky. it sounds like rain falling on a metal roof in the middle of summer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan whips his head around. their lips link together so suddenly that dan doesn't even see it coming. the older male can taste the metallic tang of red liquid that clings tightly to dan's tongue. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>phil bites gently on dan's lower lip. he slips one of his fingers through a burn hole in the younger boy's hoodie. he's able to feel dan's ribs jutting through his milky skin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan's whole body feels warm. his joggers are tight when phil finally pulls away. he's smiling widely. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"you're good at it," phil is nodding his head, causing his quiff to bounce on his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>dan is still catching his breath. he feels like he can't </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathe</span>
  </em>
  <span>, phil absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>destroys</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. "yeah," his voice is trembling as he responds.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. sputters pistol shots</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>TW: </b>MENTION OF DRUG ABUSE, KNIFE USE</p><p><b>DAN'S KNIFE HANGS LIMPLY AT HIS SIDE.</b> he's in a complete <em>daze</em>, on a task but failing to complete it. his brain is <em>fuzzy</em>, it feels as if clouds have formed inside his head.</p><p>the cold air of london nights nips at his skin through the tears in his jeans and burn holes in his hoodie. he resists the urge to light a cigarette. he's <em>freezing</em>, but he feels so <em>warm</em> inside.</p><p>the apartment of the man he's supposed to kill is written on a paper in his pocket. the corners are folding away into burnt edges from ash. he studies the address carefully, reading it over a few times until it is etched into his brain.</p><p>shit, with a memory like this he <em>should</em> have gone to law school.</p><p>someone bumps roughly into him. he doesn't acknowledge the stinging in his shoulder until the man turns to face him. "dan?" the shorter boy asks, staring up at him with wide eyes.</p><p>dan doesn't register his brother's face at first. he's searching through his smoke-filled brain for even a tiny bit of recognition, his eyes flickering over his brother's face with a dull curiosity. <em>fuck</em>, he can hardly remember his name as nicotine-filled nights constantly replaced the memory. "yes?" he finally spills out a simple response from his lips.</p><p>"please don't tell me you forgot about me," the younger boy is nearly a spitting replica of dan, his hair is just the tiniest bit longer.</p><p>dan wished he didn't. he still has track mark scars on his arm from heroin-induced dreams. "obviously i remember," his words are put together carefully. he hopes the confused look on his face doesn't give away his lie.</p><p>"you're <em>lying</em>," the younger boy spits out. <em>fuck.</em></p><p>dan bites his nail down to the bone until a familiar metallic taste clings to his tongue. his raging iron deficiency is satisfied by his constant skin picking, a habit he picked up after he stopped the drugs.</p><p>his younger brother's face is bright red. "my name is adrian, i'm your <em>fucking</em> brother, we lived together for <em>fourteen</em> <em>fucking years</em>," he jeers. the memories come flooding back to dan's nearly amnesiac brain within seconds. "what, did heroin make you forget that too?"</p><p>that was always his excuse for everything. if he forgot a birthday party or a christmas gift, it was always the snarky response of <em>"it was drugs."</em></p><p>"no no, i remember," the fib slides off of his tongue quickly, "what are you doing here?"</p><p>the soft clicking of adrian refilling a gun echoes across the empty alleyways. "just what you are, i assume," his eyes roll as he speaks.</p><p>"what the <em>fuck</em> are you doing?" dan hisses, yanking the pistol out of adrian's cold fingers.</p><p>adrian brushes his curls out of his face. he flashes his teeth before pulling dan's arm behind his back and taking his weapon back. "making money," he whispers back.</p><p>"you could be doing something, <em>anything</em> else," dan nearly pleads, yet he knows his insincere tone won't make much of a difference in his brother's future.</p><p>adrian's frame is wiry, and as the shoulder of his shirt slips down his arm, his collarbone obviously just out from beneath his pearly skin. "this is the most worthwhile," he's grinning.</p><p>dan rubs his eyes with bruised and blood-stained knuckles. he brings his finger up to his teeth and bites it until he can smell the iron. "you're going to <em>die</em> doing it," the older brother responds, his eyes filled with an empty familiarity.</p><p>"that's the goal," adrian says surely. he's only sixteen, practically a child. dan realizes this with distasteful vomit filling his throat.</p><p>the older male clears his throat in an attempt to rid the foul taste, which in turn, only makes it worse. "well, maybe we <em>deserve</em> it."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. you call it patience</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>REGRETFULLY, PHIL IS WAITING PATIENTLY </b>for dan to come home. he's <em>missing</em> him. the feeling fills his body and makes his chest warm is nearly <em>suffocating </em>him and he <em>hates</em> it. it reminds him of his ex.</p><p>the balcony door is cracked ever-so-slightly as he lights a cigarette. his head becomes smokey with nicotine and his hands buzz familiarly. his head feels like it's about to float away. he's <em>living</em> for this feeling, but he's <em>dying</em> because of it.</p><p>clouds of smoke escape from his lips slowly with each inhale from his cancer stick. he's standing on the edge of his balcony, balancing his elbows on the metal railing, hoping the poor infrastructure falls, him with it.</p><p>"i need to get you a fucking juul. maybe that way you won't stink my apartment up," martyn says he pulls the glass door open before slamming it behind him. his brain grows foggy as he deals with a second-hand nicotine buzz, the smoke slowly drifting into his sinuses as he breathes.</p><p>phil doesn't even look over at him, he's dangling on the balcony, his hands floating in the cold air in front of him. "maybe you should," he grumbles in response. the metal creakes beneath him as he rests his chest across the railing.</p><p>"jesus christ," martyn only mutters as he watches his brother, so close to death it's fucking <em>terrifying</em>. he purses his lips and keeps his mouth shut.</p><p>dan is annoyed when he finally comes home. the feeling presents itself in furrowed brows, lips drawn into a line, and drags from cigarettes. his bloodshot eyes dart around the nearly empty apartment and merely skim past phil.</p><p>"you've been gone for two days," phil starts before the younger male brushes past him roughly. the older male follows after him, inviting himself into dan's room. "the <em>fuck </em>is wrong with you?"</p><p>dan wipes his cracked mouth that's suddenly spilling with blood. he rubs his face in hands that are covered in purple and green. "leave me alone," dan's voice is firm, he speaks through clenched teeth dotted with splashes of red. phil's gaze darts around the younger male's body, noting the metallic liquid that stains the white strips in his shirt red.</p><p>"why should i?" the older male grumbles as he steps closer to younger. dan smells like copper pennies and smoke that kills. he places one of his hands on the phil's face.</p><p>"because phil," dan trails off, his honey-brown irises falling to the floor, "i am a match and you light me on <em>fire</em>."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. i call it way too slow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>TW: </b>BLOOD, ALCOHOL, ED MENTION</p><p><b>PHIL HOLDS A GLASS OF</b> wine between two fingers. he circles it around slowly, almost mesmerized by the dark liquid. he brings it to his lips and takes a slow sip.</p><p>they haven't spoken in at least three days. occasionally, they stand on the balcony together, going through packs of cigarettes like candy bars.</p><p>"glasses," dan says suddenly. he holds a jean jacket slung over his shoulder and leans against one of the living room walls. his hips jut out of his jeans.</p><p>phil glances up at him through dirty lenses. he adjusts the frames. god, just <em>looking </em>at dan leaves him longing for an eating disorder. he pick as the skin around his fingernails until tiny scabs appear. "can i make you something to <em>eat</em>?" the older male is trailing his gaze across dan's thinning limbs.</p><p>"you look good in glasses," dan is ignoring the other male. he places his finger on the side of his face and leans his head against it. he's <em>smiling</em>.</p><p>phil's eyebrows draw into a line as he takes a long sip of wine. "you need to <em>eat</em>," his voice becomes firm. he's pulling away at the skin on his hand and picking at scabs to the point where liquid drops softly onto his black jeans.</p><p>"i will if you do," dan's looking at the older male intently. phil stirs.</p><p>he lets out a sigh and takes another drink from his glass. "jesus christ, you make me <em>want</em> to be <em>anorexic</em>," phil spits out. he stands up anyway, rubbing the blood from his broken skin across the fabric of his pants.</p><p>dan eats a little bit of pasta. phil almost feels <em>proud</em> of the younger male. maybe then they'll be the same weight and phil can stop feeling <em>nauseous</em> every time he looks up at dan.</p><p>he can hear dan emptying his meal into the toilet not even twenty minutes after he finishes his food. the older male swallows the bile rising in the back of his throat.</p><p>phil fucking <em>hates</em> dan.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. no problem with the truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>"YOU'RE NOT ALL THAT BAD,"</b> dan says between giggles and gasps before sucking his check between his teeth. his face is flushed and eyes barely meet phil's.</p><p>phil swallows down more foul liquid, the kind that causes his throat to burn and head to pound, "well, i would hope not." the ice in his cup clinks gently against the glass as he gets closer to dan, "you smell good."</p><p>"i smell like cigarettes," dan almost spits back, his tone growing poisonous for just a second before he flashes a grin, "you like cigarettes."</p><p>phil's bottom lip sticks out and he exhales slowly. "i really <em>should</em> quit, you know," he ponders, staring into the caramel-tinted liquid. he winces as he takes another sip.</p><p>"but you <em>won't</em>," dan responds, waving his pointed pinky at the older male.</p><p>"but i <em>won't</em>," he admits back.</p><p>now they're quiet again. it's a constant uphill battle for any kind of interaction. phil is cold and distant whenever dan tries to talk to him. he's pushing down the feeling of butterflies in his stomach, swallowing lumps in his throat because dan is a fucking <em>ocean</em> and he is just a boat.</p><p>"let's go to my room," dan suggests, raising his shoulder up to his head.</p><p>phil shakes his head. "mine is cleaner," he grumbles, remembering the tragic state of dan's room the last time he stepped foot in it.</p><p>"okay," the brunette sighs.</p><p>"okay."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. you’ve been such a jerk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>TW:</strong> MENTION OF SUICIDE</p><p> </p><p>the image of phil's body spills into dan's cloudy brain. he's struggling to breathe as he stands over the balcony, letting his arms hang over the edge. oxygen catches in his lungs and he's choking, reminiscing the feeling of phil's cold fingers against milky skin.</p><p> </p><p>goosebumps dot his pale arms as the cool spring air crawls across his body. the railing rattles beneath his weight but he doesn't care. his head feels light as he stares down all fourteen floors of the apartment.</p><p> </p><p>"god, you're just as suicidal as phil," martyn steps onto the balcony, the wind throwing his hair around.</p><p> </p><p>dan chuckles and stands up. "not suicidal, just <em>crazy</em>," he's fluttering his eyes around martyn's face.</p><p> </p><p>they stand in silence, gazes only meeting occasionally. martyn takes a sip of his coffee as dan sticks a cigarette between his teeth. it hangs there, unlit, leaving an ashy taste against his tongue.</p><p> </p><p>"how's my brother doing?" martyn questions, raising his eyebrows slightly. his elbows are propped against the balcony.</p><p> </p><p>dan hums. "how would <em>i</em> know?" he finally says, his words coming out with harshness. he spits as he speaks.</p><p> </p><p>martyn's eyebrows shoot up. "don't get defensive, i thought you guys were dating," he replies quickly, throwing his hands up in the air.</p><p> </p><p>dan breathes in until his lungs scream before exhaling slowly. "we're not, we're just <em>friends</em>," his tone is loud, deep. he's growling and playing with the sleeves of his jacket.</p><p> </p><p>"with benefits," martyn adds, a smirk crawling onto his face. he plucks the cigarette from the brunette's lips and draws a lighter from his pocket.</p><p> </p><p>dan is annoyed by this. his eyes narrow. "he's not the only one," dan hesitates, "and i thought you didn't smoke."</p><p> </p><p>"i <em>don't</em>." martyn hisses, pausing for a second, "and you owe me rent."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. this party's shit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>TW: </b>HINTS TOWARDS SH &amp; DRUG USE</p><p><b>PHIL HAS HIS FRIENDS OVER.</b> he's <em>touchy </em>with pj, and the way phil effortlessly lingers his lips close to the other boy is driving dan crazy.</p><p>he's acting like a <em>fucking toddler.</em> his seething jealousy is turning his ears red and putting a flush in his cheeks. he crosses his arms tightly over his chest.</p><p>"you okay, dan?" phil asks gently, looking across the flat at him.</p><p>dan's tone is bitter, "yeah, <em>fine.</em>"</p><p>phil clicks his tongue.</p><p>dan watches the two boys interact, flirting back and forth. phil is tracing his fingers along pj's jawline and dan would <em>kill </em>for that to happen to him. the thought of the older male's touch sends a shiver down his spine.</p><p>the light of the bathroom clicks on. fingers laced with scabs grip tightly onto the porcelain sink. dan glances up at himself. purple and green veins crawl down his eyes, creating red under bags that are met with milky cheeks. he ruffles his hair nervously. he's thinking about phil.</p><p>he shoves his thumb between his teeth, biting his nail down to the bone. his fingers are bleeding, allowing a metallic taste to burst into his mouth. he grabs the lighter sitting on the counter before falling on the floor. crimson runs down cracked hands and he smiles softly.</p><p>his lighter make his face warm as he sparks a flame.</p><p>"where'd dan go?" phil asks, glancing around the room, then noticing the light flickering in the bathroom. he swallows hard.</p><p>connor glances over at phil. "you don't <em>need </em>him. he's bad for you," he reminds the taller male, ruffling the curls in his hair as he does so.</p><p>phil hums under his breath, trying his best to rid the thoughts of what dan is doing from his head. he's <em>seen </em>the marks. "i know, but i like him," he whispers.</p><p>pj's gaze falls to the floor. "he <em>literally</em> told your brother that he's seeing other guys," he growls, rolling his eyes as he speaks.</p><p>phil leans his head on pj's shoulder. "he's not like that," he mutters desperately, glancing toward the fluttering light seeping through the cracks in the door. "<em>fuck."</em></p><p>phil pulls his arm out of pj's fingers suddenly. his feet trace against the dusty wooden floor as he makes his way to dan. his head feels light, he <em>feels </em>like he's fucking floating, like he is a ghost in his own house. his pale fingers rest gently against the gold-coated doorknob, a single motion would help him get to dan. he sets his forehead against the door, then raps his knuckles against the wood.</p><p>"dan?" he asks softly. no response. he stirs, drumming his nails against the knob. dan hisses from the other side of the door, his lighter clicks softly. phil swings the door open.</p><p>they meet eyes. "occupied," dan screams, shoving his sleeves down his arms. his curly hair is resting gently against the porcelain, legs spread out in front of him. phil catches a glance at pale pink track marks that run like raindrops down dan's arm and the cauterized skin that juts out.</p><p>dan's honey-brown irises glisten as he stares up at the older male, his brown hair rests perfectly against his forehead and freckles combine into constellations on his face. phil slowly reaches hesitant fingers up to dan's cheeks. "you're gorgeous," phil whispers, "you could make aphrodite cry."</p><p>"i don't <em>feel </em>gorgeous," dan mutters back. his arms are sore and he feels as if his body is giving out. his charcoaled lungs ache as his heartbeats against them. a drop of water falls gently against phil's hand. he presses his lips against dan's forehead.</p><p>the younger boy plays with the sleeves of his hoodie before pulling them up. "i hate these," he traces the purple-hued scars that are imprinted into his forearm.</p><p>phil shakes his head. his light pink lips turn upwards slightly. "but they make you strong. we have all struggled in our lives," his voice is soft, gentle, and dan is <em>mesmerized</em> by it.</p><p>his thoughts go sour. their faces are so dangerously close together, and dan wants to fill the empty space. he pulls his head away, seething. "what, you sleep with me once and think you know me?" his tone is harsh, he shoves his bottom lip slowly between his teeth, "you don't know me. you know the me that you are <em>allowed</em> to see."</p><p>"dan-" phil starts, moving closer towards the brunette.</p><p>the younger male shies away. "leave me the <em>fuck</em> alone," he's almost screaming. his hands are shaking violently and he fails to still them.</p><p>dan understands now. phil is the angel sent to save him &amp; he is a demon that doesn't want to be.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. knees weak but you talk pretty proud</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>they fucked one time, yet phil thinks he's a walking <em>god</em>. he thinks that he knows dan, can read his mind and see into this soul, but he can't. they couldn't be farther apart, dan is the sun and phil is fucking pluto.</p><p>phil makes dan want to quit his job and study law again. he wants to give up the knife, give up the matches, and start eating again. the thoughts of phil cloud his brain and it's driving him <em>insane</em>.</p><p>yet he stands in the street, clouds of smoke pouring from his lips like terribly written words flow from a pen. his shadow reflects into the blurry streetlight covered by fog.</p><p>"i fucking hate winter, don't you?" he mutters quietly, a smirk crawling onto his cracked lips. he whips around, pressing the cool blade against the other male's throat</p><p>adrian's adam's apple bobs up and down, sending scratches of irritation across his throat as he swallows hard. his eyes are wide, they jump around the darkness of silent, three am roads. he nods.</p><p>dan releases his fingers from adrian's hair and slowly drags the metal away from his shivering body. "what are you doing," he orders, yanking his younger brother's gun out of its holster.</p><p>the smaller boy is gasping for air and his hands are wrapped tightly around his sides. his elbows jut out of his skin, he looks like a walking <em>ghost</em>. he glances up at dan with bloodshot eyes and purple bruises staining his cheeks, almost like a perfectly balanced painting. "i need your help," he grumbles breathlessly.</p><p>dan pauses, his glare darting around adrian's lifeless, pale skin. his eyes are hollowed out and he has a jawline that could cut. "why don't you eat?" dan asks, grabbing tightly onto his brother's chin and yanking it upwards, "doesn't mom feed you?"</p><p>"she does," he starts, turquoise-tinted irises falling to the floor, "but i don't eat."</p><p>dan hums before pulling away from his brother. "why? you look like me, you look like fucking gollum," he hisses.</p><p>adrian's voice drops to a whisper, so quiet dan can barely hear him, "i want to be like <em>you</em>."</p><p>dan clicks his tongue, "get in the fucking car."</p><p> </p>
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